He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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