Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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