my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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