It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
