I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
it was like eating out sand paper
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
