dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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