Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
