you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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