dude i'm inner monologue high
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
