watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
