My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
