I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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