This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
