I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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