I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
