I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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