I just threw up on my dentist
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
