I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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