This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Someone signed my nipple.
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