I'm jealous of your bromance
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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