So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
