So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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