How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
