Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
