guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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