I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
