My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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