You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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