STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
