She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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