So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
