Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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