RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
