Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
