Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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