Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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