Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
