To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
