It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
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