He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
