there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
