Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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