I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
