I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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