I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
