u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
