Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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