i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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