My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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