Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
