They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
